The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

10.) "So... what are you wearing?"
9.) "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8.) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7.) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6.) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5.) "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4.) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3.) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2.) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1.) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

This is NOT my cat!

Cuteness overload

Damn, I almost got diabetes just from watching this.

The Philly Post-Gazette has a puppy that's being raised to go into the Seeing Eye dog program -- and they've got a live camera on the little guy (?) during the day. Even if the cam isn't "live", you can still watch what was recorded during the day.

Go look -- you'll be glad you did. :-)

Why they keep me out of hospitals

I kill you!

If you haven't seen this before, you should watch it now -- it's freakin' hilarious: Achmed, the dead terrorist.

My cat wears cement overshoes

Almost since the day I got here, Radar (my Emergency Backup Cat) had provided oversight while I take my shower in the morning -- every single time I get out, she's sitting there on the bathmat, waiting for me. After I step out and begin to dry off, she jumps into the tub to lick up some of the water. Satisfied that I'm still as sweet as I was, she jumps back out a couple of minutes later.

The past few days, her exit from the tub has included a detour: walking with her wet feet through the litterbox full of clumping cat litter. Of course, the litter sticks to the wet fur, and it doesn't take long for it to dry and harden into little clumps of what amounts to cement.

*sigh*

Torture... sweet, sweet torture...

Just had a nice game of "Laser Tag" with the cats.

Well, cat, mostly. Elf is old enough that she doesn't go after the dot from the laser pointer with all the enthusiasm Radar does, though she does make a few attempts to catch it when it gets close enough.

No, it's Radar that has the most fun with it. When she follows it across the floor, I can get her almost a quarter of the way up the wall as she tries to keep up with it; you should see her trying to get alternate paws on it when it zig-zags across the carpet. I'll try to get a video of it, if I can keep from laughing at the sight.

Of course, it's obligatory for me to torture her with it. She makes these little disgusted chirping noises when she pounces on it, only to have it immediately re-appear right NEXT to where her paws are. It also aggravates her to no end when she's laying there trying to catch her breath and the damn dot keeps meandering across her paws, tormenting her.

The funniest part of all, though, is what happens when I can see she's getting too tired: I'll wait until I see the little butt-quiver right before she's going to pounce, and take my finger off the switch so the dot disappears. Her head comes up in wonder at where the hell it went, and she'll spend a good five minutes wandering around my apartment trying to find it again before coming to me and complaining about her missing toy.

Dumbshit.

It was a Merry Catsmas

I live alone and (thankfully) don't have any relatives within travelling distance, so it was just me and the cats for Kwanzmasukkah this year.

A friend and I are exchanging gifts, but they're of the relatively inexpensive "Damn, I've been meaning to get one of those..." variety.

The big celebration was reserved for my "kids", Elf and Radar.

Now, I like pets and all that, but I'm not one of those people that will run out and spend $100 on a pet sweater or high-end bed or anything like that. What the cats got was a can of people-grade tuna (making me their favoritest person in the whole world... for exactly as long as the tuna held out), and a large paper bag from the local grocery store. Yeah, the bag was free, but they couldn't have had any more fun with it if I'd actually spent cash money on it.

They had a dandy time "exploring" it, ambushing the snot out of it, making it crinkle and crackle, taking turns playing 'bag-mouse', and so on.

The only bit of awkwardness came when I heard Radar complaining about something; all I could see was Elf laying on the end of the bag. After trying to figure out where the noise was coming from, I finally realized that Radar was inside the bag, and couldn't get out because Elf was holding the opening shut. Once Elf was enticed off the bag, all was well with the world again.

As expected, it didn't take long for the two of them to "break" their toy: less than 24 for them to tear a large-ish opening in the side, and another 12 to have that side of the bag completely ripped open.

Fitness

A lot of guys (and even some women) are real fitness fanatics.

Part of the thing about being "fit" is that so many people really want what are called "six-pack abs".

That's something I don't have to worry about -- I've done even better than that.

I've got keg abs!

Pets = Family

Sigh.

My cats (Elf and Radar) are industriously involved in a rousing game of "ambush": one of them will go 'hide' somewhere, and the other will wander around in search of the first. When found, the one that was hiding gets to chase the searcher for a little while before they swap roles.

It's usually somewhat noisy game, and I just caught myself telling them "If you two don't knock it off, you're both going to bed without supper!"

Yeah, pets are family, alright...

Safety

After an unfortunate incident last Christmas, Santa Claus has installed a number of safety features on his sleigh. Here's an illustration of why the first item was a seatbelt...

In the spirit of the Season

Wishing anyone that happens to wander by a Merry Kwanzmasukkah!

Fierce is as fierce does

If I'm ever attacked by a horde of plastic or paper bags, I want my kitten Radar on my side -- the things wouldn't stand a chance.

I am Evil...

Yes, I certainly am.

While at Target today, I got a new laser pointer (mouse-shaped, $3.99 with an extra set of batteries) to annoy the cats with.

Since I've gotten home, I've:

• Gotten both of them spinning around in circles until they got dizzy and couldn't walk straight.
• Used sudden direction changes to get them to trip over their own feet.
• Let them chase it around in the kitchen, then stopping it IN their water dish.
• "Walked" around in front of them until I see the pre-pounce butt-wiggle, then suddenly turning it off ("Hey! Where'd it go?!").

Yes, Evil is Me...

Radar on Guard

Radar, in the Belly of the Beast (the Box Monster)

On the attack against the Plastic Bag from Hell

Her most dangerous foes, the Poisonous Plastic Bug and the dreaded Purple Stuffed Mouse

See? We can all just get along...

I'm trying to nap here, dude...
You woke me up for THIS?

Kitten School

In the last couple of days, Radar the kitten, has gone through the following courses:

Class 1

• Jump up on Dad's lap, sit while watching what he does on the computer.
• Sitting is too tiring, so lay down on his leg.
• Fall asleep.
• Try to roll over, fall off leg.

Class 2

• Get into laundry basket.
• Discover all the things you can beat up.
• Jump out of laundry basket, try to drag something out to play with.
• Discover that item is way bigger than you thought, drag harder.
• Succeed in pulling Dad's bluejeans out of basket.
• Get covered by bluejeans.
• While trying to escape bluejeans, manage to burrow your way into leg, get trapped.
• Yell for help.

Class 3

• Play with assorted cat toys.
• Get tired of assorted cat toys.
• Go looking for new toy.
• Spot twitching tail.
• Ignore that twitching tail is connected to (way) bigger cat.
• Ambush tail.
• Get soundly thumped on the head for your efforts.

Most important lesson
Do NOT suddenly jump up on toilet while Dad is standing in front of it.

Housekeeping

This is pretty much how I schedule my housework efforts...

Stupid is as Stupid does

For reasons that escape me, Elf (a.k.a. the Hairy Nuisance) has decided that the bathtub is the feline Holodeck -- she'll get in the tub and flop around, paw at things unseen, and generally entertain the hell out of herself.

Yesterday, I helped out a friend by mowing his yard while he was out of town; when I got home, I put the pants I'd worn into a little water in the tub to soak (in an effort to preclude grass stains). While I was in the bathroom, Elf wandered in and decided it was recreation time. However, it wasn't until she was halfway into the tub that she realized something else was already there -- and like to have had a seizure trying not to fall into the tub with it. In the process, she managed to do a face plant on the tub before falling most ungracefully onto the floor.

As I practically ruptured an internal organ laughing, she stomped off while cursing me, my ancestors, and any progeny I might have.

One of these days, I'm going to give in to the repeated temptation to leave about an inch or two of water in the tub, just for the entertainment value of seeing what happens when she jumps into it.

This is me!

The Scientist option, if you weren't sure...

Caturday 20090530

This kitten thinks (s)he's a whole lot bigger and badder than (s)he really is; the puppy is more like "Yeah, fine, whatever..."