In the spirit of Leeann, I hereby submit the Top 10 things I say to my cat:
10. "And just WHERE do you think you're going?"
(when I leave the door open to go outside for 10 seconds; she's an indoors-only cat)
9. "Do you fucking mind?"
(during a too-close encounter, such as trying to sniff the inside of my nose)
8. "What the hell was THAT all about?"
(immediately following a Krazy Kat tear-around-the-house session)
7. "I don't CARE if you don't like it. That's what you get."
6. "Knock it the fuck off!"
(after a protracted session of whining that she wants something... God only knows what)
5. "You keep that up, and I'm going to swap you for a dog - and shoot the dog."
(after leaving a particularly smelly deposit in her litter box)
4. "Why is there a cat in the middle of __________?"
(she finds a way to lay wherever it's most inconvenient for me)
3. "If you shed any more, I'll be able to make a whole new cat"
(should be self-explanatory)
2. "Ow, ow, ow!"
(she isn't above using her claws to get my attention)
and the #1 thing I say to my cat:
1. "Am I going to have to club you?"