Saturday, November 3, 2007

My cat is a moron.

As I've mentioned before, my cat Elf has a surfeit of 'character'. To wit:

The other day, she's in the kitchen, killing kibbles (knocking them around on the floor and 'killing' them so they can be eaten) when I decide to go out for a while.

While I'm sitting in my computer chair putting my shoes on, Elf comes barreling out of the kitchen, only to be surprised to find me blocking her way. She immediately freaks out (fluff up, leap into the air), and tears back into the kitchen - going so fast that she can't get enough traction on the linoleum floor to avoid crashing into the wall. Several seconds later, she comes casually strolling out of the kitchen as though it was some other cat that did the crash-and-burn, not her.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Geezer mode

I'm turning 53 (oy!) tomorrow, and while watching TV last night, I started thinking about some of the programs I watched as a kid -
  • Gary Moore
  • Jack Benny
  • Ted Mack's Original Amateur Hour
  • To Tell The Truth
  • What's My Line? (I saw the lady that did Woody Woodpecker's laugh!)
  • Gunsmoke (with Chester)
  • Man From U.N.C.L.E.
  • Original Batman (with Adam West)
  • Mighty Mouse cartoons
  • Paladin ("Have Gun, Will Travel")
  • Heckle and Jeckle cartoons
  • Milton Berle (!!)
  • Howdy Doody
  • Romper Room
  • Captain Kangaroo (when he was a YOUNG Captain - and the Tom Terrific shorts)
  • Lawrence Welk (in primetime)
  • Sky King
  • Wanted Dead or Alive
  • This Is Your Life
  • Lone Ranger
  • Rawhide
  • Rocky & Bullwinkle
  • Arthur Godfrey
  • Burl Ives
  • Dick Van Dyke show
  • when TV programs started being shown in (*gasp*!) color
Jeez, I'm old.

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

A friend of mine sent me this in an email. My response was that it would be funnier if it wasn't so damn close to the truth...

Scenario: Jack goes phesant hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the Police are called, Jack is
hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors
are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and
Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though
Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good
paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra federal funding because Jeffrey has
a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the
smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a
requirement for graduation is racist. American Civil Liberty Union
files class action lawsuit against the school system and Pedro's
English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is
given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because
he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independance Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF and the Police are called and Johnny is charged with
domestic terrorism. FBI investigates parents, siblings are removed
from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a
terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years
of therapy.